Friday, May 28, 2010

I just can't seem to get past it...

So..I have had trouble breastfeeding from the minute my son was crushed me then and it crushes me now...

I just always had this thought in my head that I would be like my mom...she had 8 children and breastfed every single one of them until they were two years old.

I never thought I would have a breasts tripled in size one month after I got pregnant so I figured I definitely had enough room to hold milk for my little guy!

But when he was born...I waited and waited for my milk to come. I held him and stayed up with him for 5 nights straight as he cried and cried from hunger. Finally, it seemed that I started to produce enough to at least nourish him.

That lasted for about 6 weeks. I then noticed my son wasn't gaining any weight. I couldn't believe it! I was going to have to feed him formula - my poor son was starving! I felt so bad then and cried and cried for days! I not only couldn't produce milk like a mother should but I was also starving my son and not providing for him like I should! It took a long time to get past it and accept feeding him formula (I still don't know if I am past it...)

I finally came to grips with the fact that I would supplement the formula with my breastmilk. I pumped and pumped and fed and fed as much as I could to keep my supply up! I told myself I wasn't going to give up - my son would get my immunity and vitamins from breastfeeding and still get full from the formula. It got to the point where I was literally feeding him every 1 hour! But I wasn't going to give up! It was so important to me!

Now he is 7 months old...for the last couple of months it has been a fight every time to get him to latch on and suck for awhile...I knew he was getting milk but he just didn't have the patience anymore to sit and drink from a slow producing breast...But I still wasn't going to give up....I wanted to make it to at least 1 year!

Well, lately my hopes are disappearing. The last couple of days he has just cried when I tried to breastfeed him. He doesn't want it all anymore.

It is so hard for me to write this...but I think it might finally help me accept it. I am finally done breastfeeding my son. It kills makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I have nothing against formula feeding women...after all I am one. But I just had this hope in my mind of at least supplementing with breastmilk until he was one.

I seriously can't come to grips with it. I keep thinking "I need to breast feed him when he wakes up" or "What shirt or bra should I wear today that will give quick access to feed him". I just can't seem to accept it. It makes me so sad and I cry as I write this.

I don't understand why it was so hard for me. I don't understand why God wouldn't want me to feed my son the best food he can have at this age. I don't understand why I couldn't provide for my son as a mother should. Why can't I breastfeed him sufficiently when I want to so bad but yet see mothers who can but choose not to! These are all questions that are running through my head and I can't seem to help it.

Will I ever be able to breastfeed my children in the future?

I hope some of you can give me some insight, support, similar stories or prayers. Most of all I need prayers to accept this and move on. I sometimes feel like the only one - the only bad mother who can't breastfeed her child like she should....I just can't seem to get past it.


Debbie's L'Bri said...

Marrissa, Did you have a c-section? I had 9 children and 3 were tongue tide and when that was fixed they could nurse and I had one child I had to teach how to suck..(she couldn't even do a bottle), BUT my last child number 9 was a c-section and I had a bad time from day one. He was in bad shape and I had to bottle feed him. I would nurse him for me, but had to fill him up on formula. I know you can imagine how bad I felt. I cried for almost 3 years. You need to remember tho.. that You are doing what is right for this baby. You can try again next time. Oh, next time try Mother's milk tea. That will help with milk production.

Just remember, you are doing your best. I will pray for you..

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The Bailey Family said...

I can definitely relate. After Clint was born on 8/26/09 I thought breastfeeding would be easy. After 5 days my milk finally came in but Clint couldn't get a good latch and I started bleeding. So until they healed, I pumped. It was then that I realized how little milk i was making. Pumping 7 times a day, I was barely making 13 oz. By 6 weeks, I had mastitis and had suffered through 4 clogged milk ducts. At my postpartum visit, my OB suggested I "give it up." I was heart broken.

Of course he's a happy, healthy 9 month old today, but I still long for those tender moments I thought I would have with him. I hope it goes better with future children.

Saying a prayer for you!

Mama R. said...

Marissa, we have to do what we can with what we have. Don't feel like a bad mom for a second. You have done so much! And you didn't give up. Now you can find other activities to bond with your son, and I promise you he won't love you any less! Hang in there!

Krissy said...

Following you from Follow Me Friday. Hope you can stop by my blog and follow me as well!! :) Have a great weekend!!

The Bipolar Diva said...

Oh please don't be hard on yourself. All of my babies had such different personalities and I think a lot of the time that's what it comes down to. It says absolutely nothing about you being a good mom. I'm willing to bet that you're little one is a pretty active go-getter!

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog today and for the comment! I hope that you have a great weekend!

And just remember all babies are different. One of my babies quit on her own at 6 months and another not until 13 months.

I'm following you now and looke forward to reading more!

Marvelous Mommy said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Any time spent breastfeeding is better than none at all! When my daughter was born in October, I was really surprised at how hard it was to breastfeed.

PS I'm here returning the Friday Follow love!

Javins Family said...

You've done a great job, mama. I had some difficulty in the beginning nursing my baby (now 14 months and nursing strong. at 2 weeks, she was still 4oz below her birth weight and I felt guilty, like I'd been starving her.) I understand the terrible feeling and the feeling of wanting to change over to formula. It's hard knowing you bear the weight of your child's wellbeing solely when the baby is breastfed.

If you *do* want to attempt to make more milk to pump for your LO, here is a website where you can order Domperidone (one of my friends took it to induce lactation so she could breastfeed her adopted son)-

Also, you can take herbs (I find them at places like The Vitamin Shoppe)- Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle.

Cara Nitz said...

Being a great mom doesn't equal being a great breastfeeding mom. You are a great mom, and not breastfeeding doesn't change that.
My midwife says that every new pregnancy is different, so maybe next time you will have a whole different experience.
Focus on all the positive things you do for your son. I guarantee you that you are probably the single most important person in his life. That is pretty awesome, right?

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